The Last Kiss: Commentary on Life by Abortive Platitudes

Before I begin making fun of the disappointing movie that was The Last Kiss:

1. Zach Braff shall not be insulted due to his brilliance in the making of Garden State. He will be substituted for the punching bag of humor, Keanu Reeves.

2. Rachel Bilson is not an actress. She has the same personality on camera and in real life. Thus, insulting her would be libel. And I refuse to commit libel because I am a man of morals.

..

Keanu Reeves. His gaze, his chill.

He stares, but he doesn’t see. He glances without motion.

Keanu Reeves is having a crisis, he doesn’t know if he wants to marry the woman he loves. What shall he do?

He shall make a movie exposing to the world the utter uniqueness of his situation, his sentiments.

Keanu: “Ah, jitters before marriage? How uncommon. The only solution I see is to have sex with a random girl ten years younger than me.”

..

Producers: “Crap, our plot is too simple. Let’s add irrelevant storylines for some sub-par humor.”

Let’s also throw in a pmsing woman because every audience loves superfluous annoyance.

..

At the end, the guy sleeps for three days on the porch to redeem himself and everything is jolly. Inexplicable. I would be happy to sleep anywhere for three days, let alone having people leave me food and stuff.