3.21.2007

Hobo Signs

Hobos have signs that ask for money, shelter, etc.. they’re usually normal and straightforward. If only the hobos got smarter and tried some wit or irony, some intellectual banter..

If these were hobo signs, I would totally pay.

------

Go ahead, spit on me, I bet you a household meal I will still be in a good mood.

I’m hispanic and dirty and homeless. And confused by the law of causality.

We are aware you find us intriguing.

I’m vegan.

I’m homeless because I don’t believe in a material life.

Looking for a managerial position.

I patented all gay jokes. Pay me royalties.

I will pray for your health.

Willing to tell stories about supernatural encounters. All religions welcome.

Children are starving in Africa, fatass.

I intend to spend your money on drugs and booze.

I support your political views.

I boost your self-esteem. Compensate me.

Do something charitable, asshole.

I represent a spirited left-leaning stereotype. Our passion speaks volumes.

3.12.2007

Since December..

Excuse my winter hiatus from this blog. I hibernated.

I shall continue. Enjoy.

Go Make Me a Burrito: Vol. III .. Women and their PMS Ratio

Go Make Me a Burrito: An Objective Treatise on Female Inferiority

Women develop refined tactics to annoy you. They pass this information down to their female offspring. It is not easy to calculate behavior so that they produce the greatest irritation. Women are a lazy lot. Granted, their definition of lazy is different from that of men (more on this later), they still seek to accomplish tasks with optimal efficiency. The ratio of the amount of annoyance caused to the amount of effort exerted is known as the progressively-more-subsistent ratio, or PMS ratio. In Asian cultures, this is also called hardness coefficient (HC). Other than being different from the PMS ratio in that it figuratively illustrates more irritable women as “harder,” the HC also correlates to Moh’s hardness scale in terms of the potency of the material used in response to an irritating woman. Beatings, more properly known as abuse or assault, are of course no way condoned by this text. It would be an insult to manhood to waste energy that could be more righteously spent in video-gaming or binge eating.

The skill of maximizing the PMS ratio is acquired through genetic inheritance, honed by adolescence, and mastered only at the latest stages of adulthood. For instance, the toddler may demonstrate behavior such as crying that require your immediate attention, irritating you greatly. However, because the toddler is only in the early stages of her development, she has yet to fully grasp the concept of maximizing the PMS ratio because she exerts a great deal of effort in crying. During adolescence, girls most commonly irritate by asking for money. Though she exerts minimal effort, the annoyance can be countered with a grateful and complacent “no.” By the time that women have honed their abilities to substantial optimization of the PMS ratio, they exert little effort in bringing about tremendous frustration. The typical adult female strategically places her succinct but powerful interruptions to maximize aggravation. This usually involves a simple command or instruction during the critical moments of a television show or right after you’ve gotten comfortable on the sofa. In this manner, women optimize the PMS ratio by causing a great deal of aggravation with diminutive effort. More cognitively adept females indirectly signal their subtle needs by phrases such as “I’m cold” or “I’m hungry.” This furthermore enhances the PMS ratio by compounding the prospect of disappointment with the lack of guilt due to the indirect nature of the comment.

To be continued…

Past volumes:

Volume 1: What it means to say the word “women”

Volume 2: Women and the Wheel

Guides to reading Burrito: women terms | generalizations

12.03.2006

Report: President Bush to be Replaced to Bolster the Public Image of the Administration

Following a series of resignations and dismissals that were consequences of scandals and/or disapproval of the administration, president Bush has looked to his advisors for further solutions.

His cabinet committee, having spent millions on consultation and analysis, has exhausted a three month study, concluding that replacing president Bush would be the best course of action at this point.

The report provided incontrovertible evidence.

“The facts don’t lie,” Bush said, “And I intend to follow the facts.”

“Because the facts don’t lie,” Bush said again.

11.13.2006

Go Make Me a Burrito: Vol. II .. Women and the Wheel

Go Make Me a Burrito: An Objective Treatise on Female Inferiority

Women and the wheel. A female driver is an oxymoron. Women do not drive when they’re behind the wheel. Rather, they exhibit a state of frantic panic and imbalance. Ironically, women clinging desperately on to the wheel in front of them, with momentary shifts due to the unevenness in strength of the contracting muscles in their arms, produce the subtle movements necessary to maintain a straight path. One would surmise that this method of maintaining the linear motion of the car is highly unstable and susceptible to failure. This is very true. In fact, 99% of automobile accidents are caused by women. The recorded figure, of course, is not nearly as high because women have the innate ability to bicker their way out of any given situation. Men tend to choose to pay liability losses rather than listen to the incessant rants of women, hence facilitating the common stereotype of men as reckless drivers. Myth busted.

To be continued…

 

Past volumes:

Volume 1: What it means to say the word “women”

Guides to reading Burrito: women terms | generalizations

11.12.2006

On Iraq Policy, Which is Easier: Change Your Mind or Resign?

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned.

Before the decision, Bush readily defended the course of actions in Iraq. Following the resignation, Bush became “open to any idea” on Iraq, looking for a “fresh new perspective.”

After meeting with President Bush Monday, a panel of prestigious Americans will begin deliberations to chart a new course on Iraq, with the goal of trying to stabilize the country with a different U.S. strategy and possibly begin withdrawing more than 140,000 troops.

[source: http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,650206495,00.html]

So, apparently the fact that Rumsfeld was in office prevented any means for an Iraq exit. Changing his mind was simply not an option. He had to step down. Only then can we change our policy in Iraq.

Also, from the same article, the midterm election was “widely seen as a repudiation of the Bush Iraq policy.” Hmm, so the fact that we were getting our asses kicked, sending soldiers to die, for no apparent reason in the first place was no repudiation of the policy? There’s gotta be some analysis somewhere in some multi-million-dollar intelligence agency that handed a report to Bush saying “We’re fucking up the war, we should probably get out.”

"Favorites" in "Your" "Social Networking" "Profile"

Social networking sites like facebook all offer profiles with your favorites. Favorite movies, books, music, etc.

But everybody likes Grey’s Anatomy, Friends, Family Guy, Shawshank Redemption, whatever. Everybody likes the same shit.

[for those of you currently shouting “Fuck you!” “I disagree!” - understand the meaning of generalizations]

What about what you don’t like?

Your dislikes say a lot more about who you are than your favorites. So why not have a dedicated “I’m pissed off by” section?

I mean, if profiles were meant to speak about who you are, then they should include dislikes. Otherwise, it just makes it seem as if people are faking it, dressing themselves up to be who they really aren’t.

Oh wait, this is exactly the point of social networking sites. Ok, my bad, nevermind.

The Meaning of Generalizations. Stereotypes. Quit Complaining

A statement like “black people are athletic” or “women are stupid” is offensive. Someone black might respond with “yo, don’t be racist, homes” .. someone woman [adjective use] might say “No I’m not! Hmph!”

But when it comes down to it, generalizations really are true. I mean, Cmaaaan.

If I say “black people are athletic,” I don’t mean every single one is. Nor do I mean that is the whole of your purpose, that you are nothing else but some athletic physical specimen.

When I say, and I will, “women are maudlin,” I don’t mean that is the completeness of their existence. I don’t mean 24/7 that’s what they do.

It refers to a general trend. A likely correlation, not a predetermining causality.

Oh yeah, to say “No I’m not” in response is completely irrelevant. Your one exception is no counterexample to a general trend.

Am I condoning racism? No. Racism stems from the maliciousness associated with such generalizations. It takes another step.